What Hurts The Most
by K4tsuma
Summary: "I never knew that falling in love could be such a painful thing. I never knew how a rejection, mere words or simple actions could get to someone. I never knew, until that happened to me." / Erza's one-sided love, yuri, oneshot.


**A/N: Hey guys. So, this is a really random fanfic that I felt like writing after I listened to the song "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts. It has been a long time since I last wrote in first person so forgive me if it somehow feels weird.  
**

**Anyway, I don't own Fairy Tail or any of its characters. Hiro Mashima does.**

**Also, I really like to know what you guys think of my fanfics so please enjoy & review. :)**

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**What Hurts The Most**

Empty. I can't find any word other than that to describe how I'm feeling right now. I'm... at a complete loss, you know. The girl that I love so much is, little by little, walking away from me - and she hasn't even realized it yet. Our connection is slowly fading. I can feel it... and _God_, it _hurts_. It hurts _so bad_.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me_  
_ I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

I never knew that falling in love could be such a painful thing. I never knew how a rejection, mere words or simple actions could get to someone. I never knew, until that happened to me. And, what's more... that's not even the worst part. The worst part is yet to come. The only one who's at fault here is... me. This is all because I couldn't properly tell her how I really felt about her. Actually, the first time I thought about telling her my true feelings was about the same time she got her second boyfriend. That just... _killed_ me on the inside, and kinda angered me as well.

He was kind, smart, handsome. That type of guy that every girl would like to date, completely different from her previous one. Yes, he was perfect for her. They made a perfect couple.

_I'm not afraid to cry_  
_ Every once in a while even though going on with you gone still upsets me_  
_ There are days_  
_ Every now and again I pretend I'm okay but that's not what gets me_

It took me a while to accept their relationship. Of course I didn't let it show on my face that I didn't like seeing them together - and this time it wasn't because she didn't deserve someone like him. It was because... Well, I was jealous of him. He could embrace her, kiss her, and make love to her - the girl I'd kill to have in my arms - as much as he wanted to.

Seeing them hanging out, having fun together really bothered me. It kinda made me feel bad about myself, because I always ended up asking, "_why couldn't it be me instead of him?_".

However, I didn't want to make her sad. I would never hurt her. That's what I promised to myself on that day when she came to me, crying her eyes out, saying that her first boyfriend had cheated on her. I hadn't realized it until then, but God... I was so _madly_ in love with her. I still am. And I... I'll probably always be.

We've known each other since we were kids. We would often play together, go to each other's place, have sleepovers. We would talk to each other about anything and everything.

_What hurts the most, was being so close_  
_ And having so much to say_  
_ And watching you walk away_  
_ And never knowing, what could have been_  
_ And not seeing that loving you_  
_ Is what I was trying to do_

We grew up together. We went to the same school, high school, university. We had many experiences together, though they were mostly about her - the first time she went to the beach, the first time she was confessed to, the first time she kissed, the first time she fell in love, the first time she...

She was always there, sharing everything, and I would always listen to her. I would always be there for her as well. I would never leave her side - even if that meant to watch things from aside sometimes and hide my feelings when she would ask about who I liked or who I found attractive.

She's always known that I was into girls - she's the person who knows me best, after all. And she was perfectly okay with it when she asked me and I confirmed it. She never judged me, not even once. She never told me that I was disgusting or something like that. Actually, she was really happy when I told her about it. She was happy because she knew I trusted her. When we got into college, she would often tease me, saying "_wow, look at that hottie_!" and things like that, even though she wasn't attracted to them. She would always ask me embarrassing questions such as "_hey, Erza, do you prefer the big ones or the small ones_?" [talking about breasts], "_or could it be that... you prefer mine?_". She would always laugh at my blushing face, and she would always say that I was cute. We would always have these sweet moments when she'd hug me and tell me that I'm the most important person in her life, that I'm the best friend ever, that she'd like to treasure our friendship and she'd like to make it last forever.

Her smiling face would always make me feel warm. And... At the same time that I liked all that affection she showed towards me, it also really hurt me on the inside, because... Well, as I said before, she's the one who knows me best, but... I think the thought of me liking her has _never_ crossed her mind. That's probably because she sees me as her older sister, though we're only a few months apart. I honestly don't know. Every time we took baths together, every time we slept in the same bed... I couldn't help but think about all the things I'd like to do with her. Sometimes I got really hot and all bothered that I almost couldn't resist touching her - not that she'd mind. She'd probably think I was just playing around, and she'd play along. That would hurt me even more.

I always thought that I had to tell her what I really felt. In all honesty I don't even know when I started liking her, or when I truly fell in love with her. Most likely, I must have always been in love with her. With her personality, both her body and mind, everything about her. She was just so... so beautiful, so captivating. She shone among the others. She could have her own show if she wanted to. People would often say how she should invest in her career as a model, because she simply had everything. Beauty, charisma, charm, and she could easily make anyone fall for her at first sight. I swear, this woman... She's... she's a _goddess_. She's on another level. I could never, ever reach her...

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go_  
_ But I'm doing it_  
_ It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_  
_ Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret_  
_But I know if I could do it over_  
_ I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken_

For a long time I thought it was fine to just stay friends with her. I thought that maybe, just maybe these feelings would disappear someday. But... Every time she hugged me, I felt my heart race. I couldn't help it. My love for her is simply too strong... I always felt like I was losing my mind. It's really hard to control yourself when all you ever wanted is right before your eyes and you can't do anything about it. Even so, I endured this whole situation. Although I wanted to make things clear and be honest with her like I always was regarding everything else, I just couldn't bring myself to tell her those three words. She's said it to me many times already... and I always replied with something like "me too", because I knew her type of love was different from mine.

_What hurts the most, is being so close_  
_ And having so much to say_  
_ And watching you walk away_  
_ And never knowing, what could have been_  
_ And not seeing that loving you_  
_ Is what I was trying to do_

I refused to pronounce those three words because I knew how they would sound, and the thought of losing her really scared me. I mean, I know she'd never leave me. She was okay with my sexuality, she was okay with spending "intimate" moments with me, she was okay with all my flaws. But... Well, she's already taken, and she's madly in love with that guy - perhaps just as much as I'm madly in love with her. I don't have the right to ruin that. Telling her about it could make things _awkward_, which would be completely normal. We could lose even more of that connection of ours. And... well, there's no point in telling her now anyway.

We're finishing college this semester and, next year, she'll be marrying that guy. I really hope they'll be able to always work things out. I hope she'll be happy. I'll always be right here, supporting her even if we're apart.

... _Even if I'm heartbroken - and I'm aware that's my fault and my fault alone_.

If I had told her that one time before she'd gotten that second boyfriend, things could have been different. But... I didn't want it to look like I was taking advantage of her. And... before I knew it, she had already moved on. I lost my chance. And that's what life's made of. Chances.

_What hurts the most, was being so close_  
_ And having so much to say_  
_ And watching you walk away_  
_ And never knowing, what could have been_  
_ And not seeing that loving you_  
_ Is what I was trying to do_

Life's made of chances. Opportunities. You have to take them, and make them worth it. If you don't, then you'll never get what you want. Sometimes, these chances come back. Sometimes, they don't. Unfortunately... Mine's not coming back.

... I just hope she won't forget about me when she's married, or when she has kids. Oh... and her kids. They'll probably be the cutest kids in the world. I do hope they'll like me.

You know, I think I've... already lost too much along the way. I can't bear this pain alone anymore. I don't want to cry over the same things forever. I'm starting to see things differently and now I think that... if I ever get an opportunity to tell her everything, I will. It might not change anything between us, but I want her to know, at least, how much I loved her.

And I still do.

_Not seeing that loving you_  
_ That's what I was trying to do..._

I... I won't fail this time.

... _Mira_.

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**A/N: So... that's it. You guys must have realized it already but I didn't mention any physical characteristics nor names regarding the girl that Erza's in love with until the end. That's because I wanted you guys to imagine her. I know there are a lot of people who ship Erza x Lucy, but there are quite a few that ship Erza x Mira as well. I'm personally a fan of Mirza, that's why I chose Mira in the end. But, if you wanted the girl to be Lucy, then be it. That's up to your imagination, you know. I hope you've enjoyed reading it regardless of that. Thank you so much for reading & reviews are very much appreciated! :)**


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